When a relationship ends: Grieve, Review, Upgrade, Begin again.
When a relationship ends, you first need to grieve. Grieve for the loss of the relationship, loss of dreams, loss of having a partner in life. Relationships mean something to us. We are social creatures. We need to connect with others intimately and socially. It hurts when relationships end, whether or not we expected the relationship to end. Make certain to feel your feelings and disappointment; so that you can move forward with a clean slate. Be gentle with yourself and accept all of the feelings you have during this time. Make certain not to act out negatively and end up in a situation that is worse.
When you are done grieving or the grief is manageable, you will need to review. Review what ultimately caused the relationship to end, where the good times occurred, and where the challenges happened. Also, examine if the ups and downs in your relationship were similar to the ups and downs you experience(d) in other relationships. Do your relationships look a lot like the relationship your parents modeled?
Every relationship teaches us something about ourselves. You want to use the experiences you had in this relationship to guide your life and future relationships. Do you seek out people who take too much from you and give little in return, if anything? Do you expect perfection from others while expecting very little from yourself? Are there overall patterns you do not want to repeat in the future? More and more, I am seeing evidence of personality disorders in break ups that were particularly tough. If you or your partner had rigid values and were never able/willing to compromise, that is a sign of a personality disorder as is refusing to ever accept blame, and throwing tantrums/stonewalling in order to “win” arguments. Getting to the bottom of your relationship style, the dynamics that caused the unwinding of the relationship, and changes you need to make will help you find better success in future relationships.
Once you identify what you want/need to work on, you can begin upgrading your skills. If you just remain the same person you have always been, you are likely to continue to find people to recreate past dynamics with. Affirmations, learning about attachment styles, understanding your parent’s relationship dynamics, and taking good care of yourself helps with making changes. The ultimate goal is to be your best self so you can seek out partners who are their best selves. Master tip: being your best self does not mean being perfect. Rather, being your best self means, your moods are stable, you can compromise, you know how to set boundaries, and you realize your peace of mind is more important than any relationship.
Once you have grieved, reviewed, and upgraded, you can begin again. I highly suggest finding contentment in being alone and asking the universe to lead. Hurrying into a new relationship lessens the possibilities for a success. When you ask the universe for help, you will get direction on further changes that will prepare you for your ideal mate. Also, the act of surrender will take the need to “find” a relationship off of your plate. Seek to enjoy every experience along the way. Look for open doors when looking for a new relationship. The universe is an abundant place. Let the universe bless you with its abundance without controlling how the abundance looks.
Founder of the Unstoppable Man Mindset