Shame is a great motivator. Unfortunately, the motivation that comes from shame is usually negative. Shame begins in childhood when caregivers work to motivate children’s behaviors. As we grow, shame becomes a part of our self talk and a means that others can use to control us. Instead of using shame, I think we should review possible outcomes and make informed choices. On our journey to accepting abundance, we need to let go of shame in all its forms.
Many people motivate others through shame and due to dissociation, we respond to shame without processing it. We personally use shame to motivate ourselves out of a sense of duty and other forces not in line with our true selves. As such, I wanted to list ways shame is covertly thrown at us. The overall goal being to side step shame in favor of making decisions based on cognitive processing. As always, we should aim to have behavior that does not harm self or others.
One use of shame is through tone of voice/thought. The underlying message is: you are a disappointment. The thing is actions are deeper than merely being a disappointment. Actions can be a result of denying needs and wants. Also, when we are just starting out, we lack the knowledge to reach desired outcomes. By merely labeling behaviors as disappointments, we fail to get to the root of the situation. If others are disappointed with our behaviors, that disappointment is their problem, not ours. When we are disappointed in ourselves, the disappointment signals the need for growth, self acceptance, and self love.
Shame can also be projected through withholding. Love and affection can be withheld to induce shame. Actions that go against our best interests can also be used as tools for shame. This type of shame is akin to manipulation. If you do x, I will retaliate with y. When you catch another person shaming you through actions, recognize the manipulation for what it is and side step that energy. Nothing good comes from becoming another person’s bitch. Rather, work to base relationships on trust and adaptive behaviors.
Bullying is another tactic used to induce shame. Even if you are doing nothing wrong, others can attempt to shame you through bullying. The act of bullying is often performed by a leader and includes his or her minions. Brute force is used to try to control others in this situation. The sad part is, many of those participating don’t even stop to get facts. Bullying can be quite damaging to the target. When you are bullied, take a step back, and see the bullying for what it is: a desperate attempt by the bully to get his or way at any cost. Bullies often walk right over boundaries in order to make their mark. The bully is not concerned with fairness or appropriate behavior. Self bullying can occur through self sabotage and self harm. Either way, if a person is targeting you, ask the universe for help, relax, and know the behavior has nothing to do with you. If you are harming yourself, ask a therapist for assistance.
All the best!