*Warning, this post may trigger those who are dealing with memories of child abuse and/or abusive relationships*
Each time I write a post, I feel invigorated to share what is being put on my heart to share. This post is no different. I sat for many hours mulling over the best details to share for the benefit of others. It is my sincere hope that this post will help anyone who is struggling with feeling alone/unworthy.
For the majority of my life I was struggling through unimaginable pain and could not find anyone to support or guide me. My goal in sharing and coaching is to help others feel understood and loved as they sort out the tasks/learning set before them in this life.
From my earliest memories, I recall seeing the world one way and then getting caught up in how others experienced life. It felt like having a very clear understanding of the beauty of life only to feel the crushing blows of forced conformity and parental and societal alienation for being different. I was always puzzled by the need to judge and punish others. I could not grasp the reasons for the confines of religion nor people who pretended to love but could not. I have always felt profoundly alone because I notice and feel things that others do not. Fortunately, I have been able to use the outlets of artistic expression, deep thought, and outdoor exploration as a means of feeling filled/connected to the earth.
While growing up, I recall my higher self protecting me from very painful memories. Although I wanted to deal with those memories (and ongoing experiences) my mind would not allow me to work out what was going on until I had the strength and knowledge to do so. I was drawn to stories of abuse and neglect, parents who harmed their children thoughtlessly, and a deep desire to rescue others. Little did I know at the time, but I was the one who needed to own the truth of her life and figure out how to rescue myself.
Subjective experience suggests, there are few people who have a firm grasp on coping mechanisms and non-judgmental thinking. Yes, there are sayings and maximums handed down through generations but those “tools” lack depth. Brushing over abuse and neglect does nothing to solve the real issues. Stuffing your feelings is a prescription for becoming a ticking time bomb. Another finding from subjective experience and reading about/talking with others is abused people seem to connect easily with abusive people. For example, when an abused person is looking for support and rather than finding a trained, non-judgmental person to help, the person finds yet another person who presents with narcissistic/character disturbed tendencies. It does not matter where such a person looks for help, narcy people are present in every walk of life ~ clergy, law enforcement, therapists, doctors, lawyers, family members, friends, coaches, teachers, and so on. The outcome of going from narcissist to narcissist is that more and more damage occurs to an aware person who is seeking truth and peace.
Final conclusions gleaned from objective and subjective sources demonstrate that the only way out is to 1) Learn to own and process your pain (feelings), 2) Build your coping skillset, and 3) Become your own advocate. The reason self reliance is key is you have to protect yourself from those who would exploit you; and you have to recognize the people who are exploiters for who they are. When you grow up in an abusive environment, it is hard to make out the signals of an exploitive, manipulative person. Additionally, even when you do see the signs, you will not be equipped to dodge an exploiter’s moves. The end goal is to need no one but yourself so you do not have to live under the thumb of anyone.
Here are some educated take aways from the combined view of personal experience and education:
- Work on realizing that manipulative people are unable to love regardless of what they do or say. Manipulative people are like leaky plumbing, there may be pipes in places, but the pipes are entirely unreliable.
- Do not set a time limit to “get it”. Even if you become involved with a string of narcy people, that is okay. Celebrate each new discovery as it comes.
- Spend many quiet moments listening to your inner voice. You know what’s right and wrong. You know what hurts. Listen to your intuition even if you cannot get away from painful situations. You are a work in progress, not crazy.
- Get out into public/interact with others. Interacting with others takes the focus off of yourself and brings inner relief. While your “stuff” may feel all encompassing, there is a world of life outside that is still going on. Additionally, interacting with others will present you with ideas and truths that you previously did not see.
- Be very gentle with yourself. When others have treated you as you are worth nothing, it is hard to treat yourself as if you are worth something. Give yourself the very best care you can.
- Play as if you were a child. Don’t let inhibitions and fears keep you from exploration and joy.
- Avoid anyone who does not treat you as if your feelings matter. People who do and say unkind things to/about you have no place in your life.
- Be patient, the work of healing and transforming yourself takes a while; and that is alright.
All the best!